Can you fight fair while in a relationship? - DC News FOX 5 DC WTTG

Can you fight fair while in a relationship?

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ATLANTA -

We all have our disagreements; some of them little, some of them huge. Even crazy-in-love couples sometimes don't feel so lovey-dovey. So, how can you fight fair?

Senior Pastor Kerwin Lee of Berean Christian Church in Stone Mountain, who's counseled hundreds of couples says there's a right way, and a wrong way to do it. He says you need to establish some ground rules.

First, you need to stick to what you're actually arguing about.

"My mother shouldn't come up at all because my mother really had nothing to do. So, we really have to stick to the matter at hand," advised Lee.

Lee says, stick to the present. Don't start digging up old bones.
     
"They say some people when they argue, they are "hysterical" and some are "historical." And when you're "historical," that means you go back in history and you start talking about things from the 70s, and the 60s, and the 50s that have NOTHING to do with 2012," Lee said.

Lee has counseled hundreds of couples and been married 16 years himself, says fighting can be really healthy, if you do it fairly.

"Because people hold onto words, and sometimes words that you say, in the heat of passion, can cause much damage," said Lee.

If you're getting ready to say something you don't mean, Lee says someone should walk away or delay the conversation. He says, in some cases, the most powerful thing you can say is ‘I'm sorry.'

"Saying I'm sorry can squash a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness.  And all of us make mistakes," said Lee.

Pastor Lee says one of the best things any couple can do is have a weekly or monthly sit down.
You both turn your phone off, and you talk about where you are, what's going on, and what's annoying you. That way you both get to talk, and nobody is on the defensive.

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